Anyway things have been looking up. I've found a job at the local airport being an errand boy/fuel driver. It's work but it's fun. Praise the Lord.
Last week I went to Fort Worth to get checked out on a new airplane. This sucker is sweet. It's got a cockpit called "glass panel" and all kinds of bells and whistles. It flies like a dream and soars like an eagle. It doesn't climb worth a crap but what do you expect for 120 bucks.
The flight instructor who checked me out in the plane is a different story. Let's just call him....uh...Tom. Ya Tom will do.
So Tom is Polish....or Russian. I don't know it's middle eastern or Brazilian or something. Anyway he's a pretty cool guy on the ground. Goofy accent. Picks his nose a lot. I ignore it.
Czechoslovakian? Perhaps.....
Whatever it doesn't really matter. He talks funny and walks like he's always got a load in his pants. He's kind of a bumbling tool once we get airborne. Actually he acted like a tool before we even got off the ground.
(In thick accent - think Russian) "Ok start engine and monitor gauges."
"K"
"Vhat are you doinggg?"
"Huh?"
"Vhat are you doinggg, that's not how you do it"
"Uhh....K...show me how then?"
"Like zis..."
(Engine comes to life, sputtering and almost dies.)
"O ya your right, that's much easier...." (eye roll)
I get the clearance from the ground controller and we start to wander towards the runway. New airport to me. I'm asking questions. Tom gets annoyed.
"Vhy veren't you prepared for this airport ground layout?"
Why wasn't I prepared? Because screw you that's why. Sheesh. This is gonna be a long flight....
We get to the end of the runway. Tom complains the whole way about my taxi speed and lack of braking control. He shows me how to taxi and I about lose my lunch. Apparently you have to keep 30% power in (an asinine amount) and mash the breaks at every other second. Tom complains about the tires being out of balance. Well no freakin duh Tom. With the way we're bouncing along the ground here chirping the tires every other second like some sort of clown mobile it's no wonder those suckers are out of balance. We look like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang having a nervous breakdown. Airsickness and we're not even wheels up yet. Good grief.
Run up goes ok. Tom complains. I learn quickly to ignore it and soon we're going down the runway and we're airborne. I make the right turn out towards the lake and start my climb to 3500 for some maneuvering. Everything goes along pretty well for about half an hour. I fly the whole time as Tom fumbles with the GPS. After 20 minutes of head scratching and rummaging through his flight bag he figures out how to program the airport we just took off from into the MFD (multi-function display). Thank God Tom. Man had we had an engine failure I'm sure glad you could get that airport in there when it's literally 30 miles behind us and completely out of gliding range. Why don't you program some approaches too since I'm not even instrument rated? And since we're on the subject of productivity just do us both a favor and open up your door with your seatbelt off. There's a parking lot coming up that's looking mighty nice.
I could've literally flown us into the side of a hill and he would have been up to his peaches in programming information that had literally no bearing at all on what we were doing and he wouldn't even notice we were dead.
"Ok let's go back to airport now pleezeeee"
"K"
I get us inbound on the tower controllers freq and start to descend to pattern altitude. Tom tells me to watch my altitude. I watch it. The pattern altitude is 1700 feet MSL. That's about 1000 feet off the ground. It's a safe altitude in the pattern so if you lose an engine you can easily glide to the runway. This is pretty universal anywhere you'll fly. Pattern is typically 1000 feet above ground. Tom decides he'll show me the first one just to demonstrate what he wants to see from me. Fine. Do it up Tom.
As we approach the pattern Tom cuts the power and blows through 1700 feet like it's not even important. Around 1300 he glances at the altimeter for the first time the entire flight and realizes that maybe flying by "the feeling in the seat of his pants" isn't as reliable as he thinks it is.....instruments typically don't lie....typically.
Tom guns the engine and we climb. He decides it's about enough at 2000 feet and dumps the power off again. Full flaps typically come down on final approach at around 70 knots indicated. Tom drops flaps at 86 knots and we turn final a good 500 feet high. He yanks the power completely out and dives towards the runway like we're in a bomb run on Pearl. Tom's last job must've have been for the Japanese government....I enjoy every second of it.
50 feet above the ground and probably two-thirds the way down the runway Tom pushes the power in and calls for a go-around. Tower controller chuckles. I'm digging for a sick sack. We try again.
This time Tom says he'll get it a little more "comfortable." By comfortable I assume he means "not flying like a 7 year old." I move my seat back and let him manhandle the Cessna beast. Tom's only 300 feet high on this one and after a diving spiral base to final turn he dumps flaps and power and sets the airplane down only halfway down the runway this time. By sets down I mean if a 3 year old was setting down a toy. *SLAM
"Nice one Tom" (I squirm in my seat trying to get my spleen back in place)
"Ok youre airplane now let's see you do a few approaches then ve'll be done for za day."
"Sweet"
Since I don't have a type rating in the space shuttle I decided I'd do my landings a little more structured. I do my few landings, not stellar but doable. Tom complains some more. I ignore some more. We taxi in.
"Ok I sink it's pretty obvious you haven't flown in quite some timeee so I want to have you back to do a few more landings vith me next veek."
"Uh...really?"
"Yes just to be sure. You came in on nosewheel almost."
Yes. And the Hindenberg almost didn't blow up. Thanks Tom. Next time I'll fly with my eyes closed and maybe I'll be up to your standards. In fact while we're at it I'll just bring a sawzall and hack the wings off on downwind so we can have us a real challenge. I've seen Penguins fly better than you. I'm pretty sure he's got one of those bumper stickers that says, "If the mechanics don't have to fix anything after every landing you're doing it wrong." or "Screw flying by the book, this is AMERICA."
Twerp.
I came back this afternoon and after some more aircraft carrier Tom approaches did my time and got checked out. Hopefully I won't have to fly with him again soon. Brutal. I'll give him some credit though, he's a nice dude on the ground. He tells great stories and in between nose picking his accent is rather humorous. Cool dude. Crusty pilot.
That's it. Get out.
